Michael Wayne’s earliest childhood memory is at age three months, sitting on his grandpappy’s knee while chewing tobacco and talking about the New York Mets.

He doesn’t know how to surf, doesn’t eat donuts or chicken wings, hopes to be interviewed by the Russian television station Domashny, and has a fastball capable of breaking the sound barrier if thrown in a universe devoid of sound. He is a native New Yorker, except for a brief sojourn in New Jersey from the ages of 0 – 3. He currently resides 159.5467 miles northwest of Flushing, NY.

He considers the Marx Brothers to be the biggest influence in his life, which demonstrates his level of arrested development.

He recently had a cathartic experience in which he realized that everything he knows is wrong, and has reenrolled in kindergarten to reright the wrongs and rewrong the rights.

He plans to be a diligent student this time around, unlike the last time when he spent his entire school career counting the number of ceiling tiles in the school, leaving him little time for the all-important academic and scholarly pursuits of geomancy, necromancy, and cosmetic waxing. This time around he plans to receive his high school diploma before the end of time, which according to a fortune cookie he opened recently, happened five years ago.

A Google search revealed that the New York Times reported this fact on page seven of the Sunday Styles section that year, but because the majority of people wore clashing outfits that day, the reporter panned the event and rescheduled it for a day when people had better fashion sense.

In his spare time, when he is not obsessing over the Mets and baseball, Michael Wayne speaks in tongues to pigeons, races centipedes, and studies the mating habits of rocks.

His alter ego, Dr. Michael Wayne, works in the healing arts, and is the author of a very serious and insightful look at the field of medicine and healing, Quantum-Integral Medicine: Towards a New Science of Healing and Human Potential. Dr. Wayne is very embarrassed by his alter ego’s behavior and promises to keep him under lock and key until the end of time.

Michael Wayne